


不吉 - Ill Omens

by coolio0220



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/F, F/M, Mild Gore, Minor Original Character(s), Original Character(s), References to Depression, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-28
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-04-29 02:56:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14463495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coolio0220/pseuds/coolio0220
Summary: Calista has always struggled finding a place where she felt she belonged. Her original parents disappeared when she was a young child, so she was taken in by the kind Samson and Stella (and their son, Travis) in the Shiganshina District. However, her world seems to continuously turn itself upside down. With a mix of bombardments from crazy dreams to consistent moving, she is somehow inspired to join the 104th Training Corps. What she hopes to achieve... she has no idea.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written a fanfic in so long! This is my second proper Attack on Titan fanfiction. If you're curious about my first, it can be accessed on Quotev. It's a Levi x Reader titled Grief, Love, and Hope. If you end up reading it as well, feel free to give me feedback. Anyways, I'm sure you're more interested in this story, so I'll get right into it!

I stared up at the sky, squinting my eyes to avoid the blinding sun. A cool breeze carried away tree leaves and bent the blades of grass that surrounded me. I allowed my eyes to close, enjoying the warmth of the sunshine. What a lovely late-summer day.

“Sleeping again?” asked a familiar voice. It was my best friend, Travis. “You should come over for dinner. My mom made bread fresh today.”

He sat down beside me. I rolled over and opened my eyes. “Okay, sounds fine.”

He stared at the clouds with a contented smile. His dark brown hair was getting to that annoying length where it just barely covered his eyes. I grinned slightly. After a few minutes, he stood up and helped me up as well. He suggested that we start heading back to his house in order to be on time for dinner.

I had no biological family to take care of me, but Travis’ family was like my own. They took me in as a child after my parents disappeared abruptly. I’d rather not get into it right now. Travis’ mom, Stella, was a gorgeous woman and an amazing cook. She was strict but kind, and always offered me everything she could. His father, Samson, was not talkative, but was also quite caring in his own way. Usually I slept in their shed, which was lonely at first, but I eventually got used to it.

The house became visible at the top of a grassy hill, in a lovely spot where we could see the top of Wall Maria at the outskirts of Shiganshina. Perhaps some would find it unappealing, seeing as Shiganshina was the closest to the titans that lived freely throughout the rest of the world. I found it appealing because I could better fathom what it was like out there, even if I would never see it. It wasn’t that I longed to go outside the walls; it was more like a faint curiosity that had popped up after the disappearance of my parents. Something to fill the void, maybe.

Travis and I entered through the sturdy wooden door of his cottage and were greeted warmly by Stella and Samson.

“Travis, Calista, finally you guys came home,” Stella smiled. “Dinner is just about ready. Go take your seats.”

I did as I was told silently. I’d never really been one to talk. Dinner was served along with idle chatter and laughter. Eventually the sky became dark, and we all went to bed. I walked out to the small shed I slept in (there was no extra room inside the small house) and climbed into my pile of blankets. There was a small window where the moon and the top of the wall was visible. I usually stared at that until I managed to fall asleep, which happened quite quickly.

 

_ “Calista.” _

_ “Calista.” _

_ “Cal!” _

_ “Shut up already I’m trying to sleep,” I grumbled, standing in complete darkness. _

_ “You’re already asleep dumbass.” _

_ “I know. No need to be so rude,” I said. “I keep forgetting to ask, who are you? You’ve been showing up in my dreams a lot recently.” _

_ “It doesn’t matter who I am. It matters more who you are. And also, you should probably wake up now.” _

_ “What? I just fell asleep though,” I sighed. _

_ “Well, if you would like a chance at  _ living _ I suggest you sit your ass up in real life and take a look outside.” _

_ I frowned as the darkness began to fade.  _

_ “You’re welcome, by the way…” the stranger’s voice became a buzz. _

 

I sat up quickly, as though I had awoken from some sort of nightmare, although I could not remember any of my dream’s contents. For some reason, I felt the urge to look outside. The sky was a bright orange… the wall was not as it normally was. A huge red face and hands peeked over. Was it a titan? I was frozen for a few moments, what felt like hours. Suddenly, I heard a loud crash and many screams. Rocks and debris flew everywhere, narrowly missing my shed and the cottage. This flung me out of my paralysis. I grabbed my bag filled with various supplies (I guess you could call it a runaway bag) and ran out of my shed. Travis and the rest of his family were running outside already.

“What the hell happened?!” Samson yelled and then looked at the wall. His face became white, and his eyes lost all their brightness.

Stella looked to be on the verge of tears as she held Travis close to her.

“We have to get to the boats. Now!” Samson ordered as titans filed into our home, Shiganshina. I felt a pang deep within my chest. Something much more painful than sadness or anger.

We all began sprinting towards the docks, but those were at least 10 kilometers away from our home. It was fortunate that I had a strong cardiovascular system. I had never been the fastest runner, but I could run for the longest amount of time at a consistent pace. I looked behind me to see frantic people running and screaming. All of them seemed to have the same idea as us. The boats would not be able to hold everyone, though. I prayed selfishly that my “family” could make it on if not anyone else.

After about 10 minutes of running, I noticed Stella getting tired. She was frail and older, in her forties. Samson tried to encourage her on by grabbing her hand. I hoped that she did not look behind her though. It was not an encouraging sight.

Blood splatters, strewn body parts, and the worst of all were grinning titans. Like toddlers who just got into a candy jar, they joyfully and guiltlessly crunched the flesh and bones of humans in their mouths. I held back my urge to puke. There was one particular titan that worried me. It was fairly small, probably only four meters in height with greasy black hair and icy blue eyes. It continued to pace slowly after us, and it had been for the past few kilometers. It was at least 50 meters behind us, but I was uncomfortable being in its proximity.

The titan must have been munching on someone, because screams of pain were consistent. I wished it would just end the poor human’s suffering. Travis noticed me looking behind and did so as well. He was far more afraid than I was.

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,” he kept repeating it like a mantra.

“Keep running, Travis!” I scolded him. He was starting to get out of breath, though. If that titan behind us sped up, I wasn’t sure if we were going to make it.

Up ahead, fortunately, I spotted a horse stable with horses already saddled and ready to ride. They were frantic and afraid, but I knew that the rest of my group wouldn’t be able to run 10 kilometers. I counted five horses, one extra.

“Guys, let’s take these horses and ride the rest of the way. It’s our best option!” I yelled.

“Good idea,” Samson agreed in a worn-out voice.

I sprinted another 10 meters to the horse stable and opened the fence slightly. A spotted white and black horse with blue eyes stared at me, more shaken than I was. I patted its head softly and then hopped on. It was my first time riding a horse, but I managed to figure things out quickly. I put my feet in the stirrups, one hand on the horn of the saddle and the other gripped the reins tightly. The rest of my group followed my lead. I noticed that the titan that had been following us was gaining. It was only about 30 meters behind us now. That was far too close for comfort.

I forced my horse into the fastest gallop it could muster and held on for dear life while trying to guide it along the correct path towards the docks. My family, fortunately, followed close behind me. Travis rode beside me, leaning forward over his horse’s neck. He almost looked professional. As we gained speed and distance from the stalker titan, it began to speed up as well. It started sprinting towards us, gaining meters by the second. I wasn’t sure if my horse could run any faster, but if it was going to do so, now was the time. I kicked its side with moderate force repeatedly for a few seconds. It seemed to have got the message. Riding a horse at this speed was so uncomfortable and difficult, but I could hardly pay attention to that.

“That titan is gaining on us!” Travis exclaimed. He pushed his horse to its limits as well.

However, Samson and Stella weighed more, so their horses could not travel as fast as ours were. We found ourselves at almost a 7 meter distance. I was not yet ready to embrace the idea of my foster parents dying to a titan. It hurt enough when I lost my real parents. The titan was running and running and running. My heart rate was as fast as my horse’s as I watched the titan gain meter by meter on Stella and Samson. Soon, it was within its own arms reach. Stella was the first one gone.

She screeched; the noise was something I thought no creature capable of producing. The titan squeezed her in its hand and then threw her head first into its mouth. I didn’t want to watch, but my eyes were glued. At this point, my horse was the one guiding me. Samson looked back with wide eyes and his mouth agape. Suddenly, he stopped his horse and started yelling something. I wanted to scream, say anything to make him move. But my lips were sewn shut, just like how my eyes were glued to the hopeless, desperate seen of our failed escape.

I looked at Travis, who was still riding beside me. He watched as his father was also taken by the titan. If death’s image was embodied in a person, it would have been Travis in this moment. Tears flew out of his eyes. He was screaming, screaming, screaming so loudly, eventually it all became just a buzz of words. He had no one to scream at anymore. He turned to face me. I already knew what he was going to do.

“I’m sorry,” he said. It was inaudible, but I read his lips. He threw himself off his horse.

This time, I could make a sound. It was louder than a scream, more terrifying than the crunching of bones in a titan’s mouth. And it was filled with the most pain I’d ever felt. Not just pain. It was something worse, indescribable. His body tumbled lifelessly onto the ground; he was already knocked out from the fall.

After watching this scene, I turned back around and faced the front. For a moment, I contemplated my next actions. Do I still have reason to live? Should I try to make it to the docks? What if I just joined Travis instead? What appealing ideas for this instance. While I contemplated these, my decision was supposedly made for me. The docks became clear in my sight. There was no titan following me anymore. And there was still plenty of space on the boats since most people were still trying to get here. I rode up and jumped off my horse. It quickly ran off in another direction.

My mind no longer controlled my body. It moved on its own with unnatural stiffness. The Garrison soldiers were hurrying me desperately onto the boat, like they genuinely cared about the wellbeing of the citizens. It would have been comforting, if the rest of my foster family was here to enjoy it. I sat down and tucked in my knees at the edge of the boat. Too shocked to cry, too pathetic to speak. I still had the bag from the shed on my back. I took it off and opened it up. It had some canned fruits and vegetables, a crusty loaf of bread, and one pencil-drawn picture Travis made of all of us when he was younger. I folded it back up and put it in the bag. An old man came and sat beside me. He was silent for awhile as the boats quickly filled up with people. Finally, he spoke.

“You alone, kid?” he asked. I looked at him and gave a curt nod. “Me too…”

He looked up at the sky for a brief moment, and then around at all the people on the boat.

“Maybe I don’t deserve to be on this boat,” he said. I gave him a curious face.

“I’m so old, I’m sure I don’t even have 10 years left in me. All these children on the ground at the docks are going to die, and a useless old man like me is going to live. I can’t contribute anything to this world other than my bad temper and creaky joints... Maybe I should give up my spot.”

It sounded like a valid argument. For a moment, I thought he was actually going to get up and give away his spot.

“...but you know what, I’m not gonna give up my spot,” he said, setting himself back down in a comfortable position. I looked at him as though to ask why. “Because I’m on this boat for a reason. There’s a reason why I’m on this boat and those kids down there aren’t. My life is just as precious as theirs is. Trading one life for another life will never go down alright in my book. So, kid, if anyone ever tells you that someone else is more deserving of life, you tell them to go to hell. And you make sure you fight, until the last ounce of your energy is used up, to stay alive.”

I nodded at him. He smiled and closed his eyes.  _ What a crazy old man. He couldn’t possibly understand… _


	2. Ditch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now in Wall Rose, Calista has to figure out what to do next...

After a night-long, painfully slow boat ride, I had arrived into the safety of Wall Rose. The refugees and I were not greeted as kindly as we had hoped, although we were given fresh bread by soldiers. They didn’t seem very happy about it. The old man and I had parted ways, to somewhat of my relief. I sat down underneath the arches of an outdoor corridor and ate. I was quite hungry from not eating all day, and I had not been able to fall back asleep. Every waking second I relived the horrors I witnessed last night. I wanted it to end.

I noticed a young man staring at me with concern. He walked over and sat down beside me, offering me a cup of warm tea. “This should make you feel better,” he said. I hesitantly took the cup and smelled it. It smelled like green tea, Stella’s favorite. I sipped it quietly along with my bread.

“Did you lose your family?” the man asked. I looked at him blankly.

“Yes.”

More silence. I wished he would leave me alone.

“I’m sorry, miss,” he offered his condolences. I didn’t really want them.

“Sorry won’t bring them back to life,” I stated.

“...That is true. I suppose you don’t care about my sympathy,” he gave a dry chuckle. “My name is Theo. Nice to meet you, survivor.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Oh, okay. Sorry. Wanna give me a name to call you then?” he asked. Wow, smooth.

“Don’t you have some sort of family to take care of?” I asked, annoyed.

“That I do. I was going to offer you a place to stay with my wife and I. We have a son around your age, and a baby daughter. My wife is still nursing so she needs some extra help around the house while I’m working. What do you say? We’ll give you a free place to stay and food for awhile,” Theo offered. I thought about it for a moment. Moving in with strangers sounded like a bad idea. Then again, living on the now-overcrowded streets sounded like a worse option.

“Show me your house, then I’ll decide,” I said curtly, standing up.

“Fair enough.”

We walked to his house, which was about 3 kilometers away from the entrance of Wall Rose. It was a pleasant looking house with two stories on a busy market street. Crowded and loud. But good enough. Theo opened the door and allowed me inside.

“Honey, this is… Oh right I never got your name. Well, this is a survivor from Wall Maria. She’s here to give you some help,” Theo addressed his wife. “That’s my wife, Dana.”

“Are you sure we should let a stranger live in our house?” Dana asked. It was a fair point.

“She doesn’t have anyone to take care of her; her family died when they tried to escape. Plus, she’ll help you with all those house chores you complain about every day,” Theo smiled.

“If you say so,” Dana agreed with a sigh. “Nice to meet you dear. What’s your name?”

“Calista.”

“That’s a lovely name. Well, Calista, perhaps you could help me start preparing for lunch, and I’ll show you our spare room where you’ll stay for the time being. How old are you?” Dana asked.

“14.”

“Not much of a talker?” she assumed. I nodded. “That’s fine, I don’t mind quiet.”

I noticed a baby wrapped up in blankets lying in a crib. She was wide awake, making random weird noises.

“That’s Claire. She’s only 4 months old.”

Theo sneaked quietly out the front door, waving and smiling at me. I assumed he had work to tend to still. I set down my mug and my bag of belongings on a wooden dining table. Dana immediately put me to work. For some reason, I didn’t mind this sudden change. An even bigger void was left in my chest after the death of my second family. Hopefully this could work on filling it up.

 

~Half a year later~

 

“Military recruitment! Join the Garrison, the Survey Corps., or the Military Police if you’re good enough! Sign up right here. Minimum age is 15,” shouted some Garrison soldiers. I was walking back home from the marketplace with a huge bag of groceries. My fifteenth birthday was in a few months. A thought that had never crossed my mind before suddenly came into blinding light. I grabbed a form, folded it up, and tucked it in the back pocket of my pants.

And then I continued along the path towards my house. I wasn’t going to tell Dana or Theo about it yet, but this idea was blossoming fervently in my mind. I got home and walked into the kitchen, setting down the fresh vegetables, flour, and fruits. Theo and Dana were well off because of Theo’s job. He managed the finances of certain rich food providers. He was not rich, but at least upper middle class. His son, Derek, was busy working as a farmhand as well. Although he did not get paid much, his income helped the family afford extra little things like clothes and sweets. 

“I made you some green tea, Calista. Why don’t you take a seat? Dinner is almost ready,” Dana smiled warmly, handing me a cup of my late foster mother’s favorite tea. I still thought about them every day. It was painful, but not as painful as it was before. At least now I didn’t feel so alone.

Derek entered the house along with Theo. Both of them washed up and then came to sit down at the table. Claire was crawling around in her crib. Dana placed down platters of meat, bread, and vegetables with butter. The smell was amazing. We all quickly dug into our small feast. They engaged in conversations about how their days went. Like I had always before, I remained silent. They’d become used to my lack of talking.

Once dinner was finished, I helped clean up and retired to my small room. A familiar pile of blankets spread across the floor along with other random belongings like books and drawings. The moon was full tonight, basking my room in a pale glow. I took out the recruitment form from my back pocket and laid down. It asked for various pieces of information. The due date for it was May 1st, in about 3 months from now. My 15th birthday was April 27th. I would just barely make it into the 104th Training Corps.

What was my goal in joining the military? Did I want the safety and security of the Military Police? Did I want to guard the walls and protect citizens like the Garrison? Or did I long to explore a wide world outside of these walls? I still had no idea. I just knew that I had to leave this place. I had to get rid of everything left from that late-summer night. I filled out the application with a feather pen that I had been given as a gift from Theo. My hands trembled slightly, though I wasn’t sure if it was from fear or anticipation.

And then I folded the paper back up and tucked it inside my favorite book, which hid underneath my pillow. I turned onto my side and finally allowed myself to relax, falling into a pleasant sleep for once.

 

_ “Feeling better, Cal?” asked the same voice from my dreams before. _

_ “I was until you decided to show up.” _

_ “Wow, harsh. You don’t even remember these dreams when you wake up. How can you be mad at me?” _

_ “Not sure, you’re kinda just annoying.” _

_ I couldn’t see anything in the pitch black I was surrounded by. The voice sounded like it was coming from everywhere. _

_ “Seems like you’re starting to finally figure things out at least.” _

_ “What do you mean?” I asked. The voice giggled peculiarly. I felt very uncomfortable. _

_ “You just filled out that paperwork! You’re ditching this family, just like how your last family ditched you, and the one before that!” _

_ “They didn’t ditch me! They just got caught by that titan. It’s not their fault…” I mumbled. _

_ “But that’s not what you really think, is it Cal?” _

_ I wanted to end this conversation, but I could not bring myself to wake up. Like this voice was keeping me in the dream. _

_ “Oh come on, you want to leave already? Not before you’ve faced the truth! I haven’t bothered you in so long, it’s about time you listened to me.” _

_ “Shut up.” _

_ “You just don’t wanna hear the truth. You’re afraid of yourself. You won’t admit it, but you hate your last family for dying. You hate them!” it started giggling again. I felt rage boil up inside of me. _

_ “That’s not true! I still love them. It wasn’t their fault,” I yelled. _

_ “Whatever you say, Cal. I just can’t wait to see what you do in the military. I’m sure you’ll become a killing machine! How exciting, how exciting,” the voice contemplated. _

_ “Just let me wake up. It’s morning now.” _

_ “Fine, have it your way. I’ll come back again sometime…” _

_ The darkness began to fade away. _

 

I sat up abruptly. My sheets were tangled around my body. For some reason, I felt angry. I wondered if I had had some sort of nightmare. I checked the book to make sure my form was still there. It was.  _ This’ll be one hell of a few months. _

 

~April 27th~

 

Finally, my birthday. Of course, Theo and Dana had no idea because I had never told them about it. I pretended to head out for a day off, and briskly walked to the recruitment station. I handed in my paperwork, offered the soldiers a quick salute, and started to walk across town just for the hell of it.

“Training will take about three years. It starts on the first of June. Come back here on May 31st to get picked up. Make sure to say goodbye to your family before then,” the soldiers instructed. I nodded.

The Trost District was a lovely city. Although people were not always the kindest, and there were plenty of thieves, I enjoyed walking the streets. People who knew me waved and smiled. I returned their politeness. Life wasn’t half bad here. At least, that’s what I always tried to tell myself. The sun was high in the sky, providing comfortable warmth. I felt contented at the moment. The bustling street noises were reassuring. Everyone here was alive, living like people should. With energy, with hope. 

Perhaps I could become like them some day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed! Comments and feedback are greatly appreciated <3


	3. Transition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is short because the next few chapters are going to be rich with plot and character development and backstory. I hope you enjoy!

“You what?!” Dana looked as though she was about to faint with anger. It was May 30th, the day before I was going to be sent off.

“Calista, are you being serious?” Theo asked, his voice stern. I was sitting at the dining table with them; it was breakfast time.

I nodded. Perhaps I shouldn’t have warned them so last minute; that was probably a bad decision. But it was too late to correct my mistakes. I just had to deal with the consequences.

“What were you thinking? What  _ are _ you thinking?” Dana asked incredulously. I held back the urge to roll my eyes.

These people, acting angry, like they cared. They weren’t anywhere close to my family. I counted them as acquaintances, landlords, employers, even. And yet they were astonished by the fact that I had enlisted myself into the Training Corps. They had no right to be angry with my decisions, they’re mine after all.

“Dana, calm down,” Theo quieted her, and looked me sternly in the eyes. “Calista, why did you decide to do this? And why are you telling us just now?”

I figured he wanted an actual answer this time, and wasn’t just asking rhetorical questions out of surprise or anger. For once, I opened my mouth, prepared to speak more than just one sentence.

“I need to leave my past behind, create a blank slate for myself. I’ve been encroaching in your house for too long. The military will provide me with food and a place to live for free, all I need to do is be a good soldier. I didn’t want to tell you before because I figured all of you would try to convince me not to do it. My decision was made awhile ago, and I stand by it still,” I stated.

Dana wiped her brow and sighed. I crossed my arms with a straight face.

“Well, you get to choose what to do with your life. Whatever decision you make, we will support you, as friends,” Theo said. “Although I do wish we had more time to send you off. I suppose tonight’s dinner will have to do.”

“It’s fine, actually. I was planning on leaving after breakfast,” I said.

“Why? You don’t have to go until tomorrow!” Dana chimed in.

“It’ll be easier for all of us this way, I think. Feel free to forget about me. I appreciate everything you’ve done. And thank you,” I paused. “For helping me feel like I wasn’t so alone.”

I grabbed my bag, which had been packed with small snacks, the drawing Travis made, and one keepsake from this house that Dana insisted I take; a flowy, pastel blue dress. It was made of thin material, so I thought it would be of no use. I didn’t understand why she had wanted me to take it.

“Maybe one day you’ll find an occasion where you feel free enough, and happy enough, to wear it. And then you’ll remember us,” she explained with a sad smile.

I waved and turned my back on the family which did not belong to me. They all said goodbye. I nodded silently and walked out the door without looking back. This was the start of my new beginning. No looking back, no regretting. Just me and my keepsakes to keep me company. 

I’d be resting myself at an inn right next to the area where I was to be picked up the next morning. The inn was bright but filthy, with all types of rowdy people. Perhaps the crowd was fitting for me. Stella would have scolded me if she saw me walking in there.

My late foster family’s deaths no longer brought tears to my eyes; I had cried enough about them in the comfort of my solitude. But my chest seemed to crack and screech every time I imagined their faces, even the most fond memories of them. It might have been the loneliness talking, though.

I entered the inn, got my room, and settled down. It was too early to sleep, but I didn’t want to do anything, so I just laid on the disgusting bed of my room and held my bag to my chest.

 

~The Next Day~

 

It was the break of dawn; a cool, wet wind whipped around my neck and ankles. Many other cadets were standing around, waiting for their names to be called. An endless line of horse-drawn carriages created mass amounts of chatter… almost as much as my fellow pre-trainees. A young man came up to me, probably about my age with blonde-brown hair and brown eyes. He wore a black vest, a white collared shirt, and a mischievous grin. What was a guy like him doing here?

“So, what’s a girl like you doing here?” he asked. I acknowledged the irony inwardly.

“I enlisted myself, like everyone else here,” I answered. He looked too happy for a new recruit. Everyone else here was nervous and chattering. He had some sort of cocky confidence.

“You must be the same as me then,” he smiled. “Want to join the Military Police?”

Before I could reply, he started talking again.

“Well, a pretty little thing like you is gonna have to try ten times harder than me to get in the top ten. But I might be willing to help you out,” he raised his eyebrows at me. I rolled my eyes and snorted at him. He was amusing, at least.

“I’m Jean Kirstein. You?” he asked holding out his hand for me to shake.

_ Wait, he’s trying to become friends with me? _ I hadn’t had a real friend since Travis died…

“Calista. Just call me Cal,” I said, shaking his hand firmly. His smile grew wider. I offered a small grin in return.

“Oh, they just called our names. Gotta pay attention, Cal!” Jean yelled, dragging me by the arm to our carriage along with other cadets.

I jumped into it after him with a little too much momentum and crashed into the other cadets, knocking all of us over into a huge human pile. I heard various groans and complaints, but got up without a word and sat down beside Jean, who was laughing his ass off. I rolled my eyes and leaned back against the tarp and wood covering. Everyone was looking at me weirdly.

“This is gonna be a long ride,” I mumbled.


	4. Wafting Memories

I remember feeling emotions intensely in the few years before I lost my real parents. I would scream loudly out of fear at the sight of a bug, and laugh with joy when my dog, Russell, would jump on me. I remember feeling things so deeply that my chest would tighten and cause me great pain. My eyes and nose would burn when I tried to hold back tears. My mother always knew when I was about to cry.

I try not to think about her too often; the memories are far too painful. I sometimes feel like I left all of my emotions in the little girl that lost her parents. I don’t feel the same way I used to, and I’ve recognized this over the years since my parents’ disappearance. Perhaps that is for the best. At least now I can act without worrying about how it will make me feel. The last time I felt emotions strongly was when Samson, Stella, and Travis died. Now, my heartbeat sounds like a distant thump that exists outside of my body, just the same as my thoughts.

~

“Hey, Cal, wake up! We’re here!” Jean said, shoving my head off his shoulder. I hadn’t even realized I’d fallen asleep.

I looked out at the greenery surrounding the training grounds. It would be nice to train in an area filled with trees. We were quickly ushered into separate changing rooms, one for girls and the other for boys, and were given uniforms. God damn, so many belts. I really wished there was someone instructing me on how to put these on. I glanced over to see a tall, black-haired girl with her uniform and belts already put on immaculately.

I waved her over. “Hello, could you help me put these on?”

She nodded without saying anything and showed me how to put on the belts. I thanked her as she walked away. I could tell we had something in common, but I wasn’t sure what it was. Nevertheless, I walked out of the changing room and saw Jean standing outside with a clever smirk. Perhaps he was proud of how fast he got his uniform on.

“Took you long enough,” he teased. I rolled my eyes and faced forward.

Commander Keith Sadies sauntered around, glaring at the new cadets. I assumed he was just beginning with intimidation. Intimidation breeds respect, and it was his job to break these new cadets in. I didn’t feel like it was necessary for many of them, though. I was getting some different feelings about my fellow comrades. They felt broken already.

“Damn, that guy looks like he hasn’t slept in weeks,” Jean whispered to me. I silently agreed.

“Hey! Quit your yabberin’ over there!” Commander Sadies yelled. Jean shut up quickly. “Now, everyone line up by last name! Figure it out!”

A mass of young adults swarmed into random places, quietly asking what each other’s last names began with. Mine began with a K, Knoxford. I stood a few spots down from Jean in between some other cadets I did not know. They were jittery and nervous, I could tell from their shaky hands and rapid eye movement. I stared straight forward and did not falter my gaze. Even as Sadies strutted in front of me and stared me down, though at that moment I felt the slight urge to laugh. He strutted back and forth down the aisles until finally stopping in front of a few cadets. He yelled some random things that were supposed to be insulting, and made one girl run. Other than that, our orientation was quite uneventful. We were guided to our cabins and then to the mess hall for lunch.

Lunch was stale bread with potato soup. Not as delicious as Stella’s cooking, but it filled my stomach adequately. Jean smoothly sat down beside me.

“See that black haired girl over there?” he whispered, pointing to the girl I had met in the changing rooms. “Her name’s Mikasa Ackerman. Isn’t she hot?”

I snorted. Of course. Rolling my eyes, I continued to eat my lunch. He did the same while mumbling stupid phrases that I paid little attention to. We’d been left to our own devices for today in order to adjust to the new environment. I’d rather they just start the training right now. It would be three long years before I could join a military sect. I was already counting the days.

After finishing my lunch, I walked outside the mess hall to the dirt covered pathway that led to the barracks. There was a nice grassy field in front of it, which I decided I could get a little exercise on. I stretched and warmed up my body before beginning my routine, which incorporated the arm, leg, back, and core muscles. I’d always enjoyed exercising; it allowed me to clear my thoughts. I was already in good shape for the military, so I figured it would be easy to complete strength training. Everything else might come as a challenge.

I noticed some young men standing on the front porch of the mess hall, watching me. I was well aware of their intentions by doing so, but I didn’t really care. I wasn’t here for romance, I was here for… Reconciliation, I suppose you could say. I finished up after half an hour and sat on the grass a sweaty mess. A tall, broad young man walked over to me. He had short blonde hair and brown eyes. Some girls might find him attractive because of his masculinity. He wore a charming, but mischievous, smile.

“Have a nice workout?” he asked and extended his hand to me. I assumed he was trying to help me up.

But I didn’t really feel like standing just yet, so I didn’t take it.

“Yes,” I tried not to sound like I was panting, but I was.

He rescinded his hand and decided to take a seat next to me. I sighed quietly in between my heavy breaths.  _ How come this never happened before I came here? Men always ignored me in the streets… _

“I’m Reiner Braun. Nice to meet you,” he said, making eye contact with me.

“Call me Cal,” I stated simply.

“Why’d you join the Training Corps., Cal?” he asked after half a minute of silence. I had regained a more steady pace of breath by then.

I contemplated my answer. What should I tell him?

“Not sure. Just wanted to,” I said.

Reiner chuckled. “I doubt that…”

He wanted to know my real reason, but he wasn’t going to push for it, which I appreciated. I stood up, and this time offered him  _ my _ hand to help him up. In my mind, I wondered if I had enough strength to even move him. He looked a little surprised, but accepted my gesture and allowed me to help him up. Though, he did most of the work and made me look like I was stronger than I was.

 

~Meanwhile, Jean’s internal jealousy~

 

_ What’s that dumbass Braun doing?  _ Jean groaned as he watched Calista help Reiner up.

Her face still glistened with sweat. Jean thought it made her twice as attractive, for reasons any young man would understand. Calista was actually talking to him as they walked back towards the mess hall. Jean clenched the wooden fence that lined the porch, managing to get a splinter in his right hand.

“Ah, shit!” he yelled and gripped his right wrist. Cal looked up with slight concern and jogged towards Jean, quickly leaving Reiner behind.  _ I’m a genius! _ Jean thought, as he continued to writhe in overdramatic pain. She crouched beside him and grabbed his bleeding hand. The splinter was huge, and was going to be quite painful to take out.

“You idiot,” Reiner mumbled and rolled his eyes behind Calista.

 

~Back to Cal’s POV~

 

I remembered the many times that Travis got large splinters in his hand, usually from chopping wood. He was such a baby; cried every time and made me pull them out for him. I would clean his hands and wrap them in bandages. “You’re so gentle, Calista,” Travis would say afterwards. I never understood him, but I appreciated his company all the same.

So, when I saw Jean writhing in pain with a splinter, my body forced itself into action. I hadn’t even particularly wanted to do so; I was having a somewhat pleasant conversation with Reiner. Nonetheless, I ran over and gripped his wrist. Reiner watched from behind.

“Hold still,” I ordered. Jean stared at me expectantly. “Exhale on the count of three. And look somewhere else. It’ll help with the pain.”

Jean looked to his left shoulder. “1, 2, 3,” I said quietly. He exhaled and I removed the splinter with ease, leaving no pieces of wood lodged in his skin. His hand started to bleed.

“I’ll ask for some bandages,” Reiner offered, and then immediately set off towards the base of the camp.

I placed pressure on Jean’s hand with my fingers, trying to slow the blood flow. I realized his gaze was focused on my hand. Perhaps a normal person would have felt slight embarrassment and removed their hand. That’s because a normal person would have realized that they were sending the wrong message to this person. But I didn’t particularly care about how Jean felt towards me, so I kept my fingers on his hand until Reiner arrived.

He tossed me the bandages, which I caught (barely). It was a terrible throw. I wrapped them around Jean’s hand and then decided to head to the small pond just inside of the forest to rinse the blood off of my hands. I faintly remembered seeing it on my way to the changing rooms.

The forest was surprisingly thick and dark. Even a few meters in was considerably darker than the sunny late-spring weather out in the open. Small birds made soft chirps. I slapped the unfortunate bug that happened to land on my arm. It fell, dead, to the ground. The pond was in a small clearing. The clearing was a beautiful sight with huge patches of white clover and a clear blue pond. I could see small fish swimming in its depths. I sat beside it in the tall grass and rinsed my hands.

Loud, clumsy footsteps sounded behind me. They approached at a jogging pace.

“You didn’t give me a chance to say thank you,” Jean said from behind. He took a seat next to me.

I remained silent and stared into the lake. I felt the slight urge to take off my boots and wet my feet… but I ignored it.  _ This is why training should have started today. I don’t wanna talk to these people, _ I thought. Jean was kind, but cocky. He didn’t seem like a very honest person either. I was never quick to trust anyone in the first place.

I stood up, stretched, and began walking towards my barracks. Jean followed silently after me. I tried to quiet the memories of Travis doing the same, but they always seemed to flood in at the wrong time.

 

_ “Hey, Cal, wait for me!” young Travis yelled. I looked back at him and then looked forward, continuing my walk. _

_ He caught up to me and matched my pace. I didn’t feel like talking, I just wanted to be alone. These people couldn’t possibly understand that. That’s why I wanted to leave. _

_ “You seem lonely,” Travis said. “Do you miss your parents?” _

_ Quiet. _

_ “I know you do. I would too. But we can be your new family until your parents come back! I’m sure they will,” Travis smiled. _

_ I slowed my pace, no longer trying to escape from this intruding force. Maybe this particular person would understand me. In time, I hoped. Because I was lonely, but I wasn’t sure how I could make a friend without my parents there. _

 

“Cal, you there?” Jean asked, snapping his fingers in front of my face. We were standing in front of the girl’s barracks.

“Oh… yeah,” I replied. “I’m going to rest for a bit. See you tomorrow.”

Jean nodded and walked over to his barracks, quickly making friends with his fellow male cadets.

_ ~ _

_ Why are you here, Calista? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! 2,000+ words this time. I'm gonna try to write long chapters in the future, and hopefully update once a week. Not gonna set a specific day of the week though, since my schedule with school is pretty crazy right now.
> 
> Feel free to add this to your library or leave a comment! Feedback is always welcomed and appreciated!


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